An Extract from "The Story of Cassie"
by Karin Halliday
This article originally appeared in Mirrors, Edition 5, October 2005.
Introduction
"Come on just one more push and you're there, you can do it. How many times is this now? you're an expert at it. That's it I've got the head, just pant now in and out in and out. One more push and it's all done, that's it you're almost there, yes I've got the baby. It's a girl a beautiful girl, she has good lungs can you hear her? Do you want to hold your daughter now?"
A shake of the head was the answer to that question. So the midwife kept a hold of the little girl. The mother only held her daughter when she had to feed her.
That was how I came into the world, 26 February 1893 to a mother that never wanted a child let alone a girl. In those days no one wanted girls. You couldn't do much with girls apart from marry them off. Get them off your hands and onto someone else. Of course if you had a dowry that was easier, someone would take you then. Me, never had a dowry, never wanted to get married either. My dad was always down the ale house, and my mother in the kitchen baking bread or shouting at us kids. I had brothers but no sisters, which made my life hell. When my mother wasn't shouting or hitting me, my brothers were. You could say brotherly love, but not when you looked in their eyes after they had hit me, there was no love there.
So why tell this story? I had to see why things in my life had turned out the way they did. I could sense my time was coming to an end so I felt the need to tell my story. I had to talk about the good times as well as the bad. I had some really good times with my friend Tom, and I felt I had to share them. He was the one person who saved me, he was my guardian angel. So my story I dedicate to Tom, my best friend.
Chapter One
"Lizzie, you should feed your daughter now, she'll be hungry. She's had a hard time being born into the world" said the midwife.
"Just go away and take her with you, you can feed her can't you, you're a midwife?"
That was how my mother replied to the midwife when she was trying to get my mum to show an interest in me.
"Lizzie, you know I can't I have another delivery to go to on Darlington Street. It's Mrs Woods, and it's her first, so I'm going to be there for a while. Anyway, you know I can't feed her, those days for me are gone, I have no more milk, too old, this old cow has had her milking days as such".
"Bleedin hell, give her over then, you better get off to Mrs Woods then before she starts ranting and raving. Likes you are her only patient, or something, none of us here have the luxury of having a husband who dotes on her. Some people just don't know they are bloody born. Well go on then, get off with you before she sends for the police. I don't want no police at my door, I'll have all the bloody neighbourhood talking about me and I can do without that, now that I have another bleedin mouth to feed" said Lizzie.
Mary picked up her coat and left. She stopped for a few seconds and thought about the girl she had just delivered. She knew it was hard for Lizzie to have a girl, she wasn't really the maternal type. That was her fifth now, four boys all a year between them all and now the young girl. It was going to be hard for that little girl. She didn't know why but she had taken a shine to her. She had a good pair of lungs on her, she would be a fighter. She would have to be being born into that family. She took a mental note to keep in touch and see how the little girl was going. She didn't do that with all her deliveries, only the one's that stuck out, and this one certainly did. With that thought she went off to Mrs Woods.
Lizzie took her new daughter and looked at her, why the hell did it have to be a girl. All that pain and it was a girl. There's no place to have a girl here, haven't I got enough to do with the boys without having to look after this one now. Her father will be coming in soon, expecting his tea, not bothering to see what I had, doubt he'll even remember I was pregnant. He won't be pleased either it's a girl, can't send her to work at the yard no girls allowed. Mary was right about one thing she does have good lungs, she can make some noise, I wish she would shut up. Better feed her then before I have to feed the others.
"Are you there Lizzie? I saw Mary leave, off to the next one I expect. Well what is it, another boy?"
"I'm in here Joyce, trying to feed"
"well come on then is it a boy?"
"Can you believe it's a girl, cos I can't. Don't know what I'm going to tell John when he finally comes in. I can't look after a girl, they whine all the time and you have to do things for them. At least with boys you put them out to work but what am I going to do with her?"
Joyce looked at her friend that she had known since they were kids. Lizzie had been lucky she had four boys. Joyce couldn't have any, so she would always get excited when her friend Lizzie got pregnant. This was different, she could tell Lizzie wasn't happy and rightfully too. Just then she looked at the child that Lizzie was holding, she certainly had a pretty face. Her eyes were small, but so was her nose and mouth, they were all in proportion. She had thick dark hair, and oh, her hands and feet were so tiny. You forget how tiny they are. Joyce had never had that pleasure, how she wished she could get pregnant. But she never could, she had been raped as a teenager and got pregnant, she was so ashamed that she got rid of the baby herself, haemorrhaged and almost died (sometimes she wished she had). She tried not to think about it and remained focused on this little girl.
"here can you hold her for me. She's been fed so should be quiet for a while. I need to do tea before everyone comes back" said Lizzie.
"where are the boys Lizzie? asked Joyce"
"they're all at my sisters, she likes playing mother and having the kids in the house. She can keep for mine for good is she wants too. She didn't think it was good for the boys to see me in labour so she offered to look after them for the day. I certainly wasn't going to say no. It would have been even better if I didn't have to deliver at all. Of course it was too late before I realised I was bloody pregnant again. That husband of mine never seems to stop, always wanting it, even last night he did. Maybe that's why I delivered so soon, wasn't due for two more weeks yet"
"Oh Lizzie, you know you don't mean that about getting rid of her, you couldn't"
"course I bloody could, you don't know what it's like having four kids under five and another one now to feed. never seems to stop"
"I know I don't know what it's like and never will, you know that. You also know that I would do anything to have kids and that's why I get so excited about watching you with yours. It could be lucky having a girl now instead of a boy. Maybe John will be taken a bit more by this one and want to do a bit more with them".
"you know, if I didn't know you for as long as I have I would say you are mad, John will never take to this one, it's a girl remember. He's never taken to any of his kids. It's only because he wants sex and doesn't care about the consequences hence I keep getting pregnant. He blames me of course, but if I had my way I would never have sex again. It's one of the things in life I could definitely do without plus the kids. So no it isn't going to get better, no I don't want this child but I have no choice. Unless of course you want to look after her for me?"
"You know I can't, Willie hates kids. I'm sure that's the only reason why he married me cos he knows I can't have kids. Of course there was talk of it in the ale house where he was all the time. His mum was always saying it was time to get himself a wife. He heard about me and then started showing an interest in me. I was flattered, never thought anyone would want to go with me again. But he did, but only because he hates kids. So I can't, not really. I can pop in each day and help you with her here but can't take her home. Anyway you might change your mind in a few days. You're only a few hours after delivering, you'll be tired. Why don't I get tea started for you, and you can rest for a while".
"I know you can't take her, bleedin' shame you can't have your own though. Here I am on my fifth and don't want it, and you can't even have one. Doesn't seem right does it? The tea will be great though. Must admit I could do with a rest".
While Lizzie rested, Joyce started tea. She was used to cooking for Willie. It was nice to feel needed, and she enjoyed cooking for the boys. Mind you they were a handful. She wondered how Lizzie would cope now, especially as she felt so low about this last one. She barely got through some days with what she had. She quite often heard her shouting at the boys, all day long it seemed. The boys screaming, she's shouting and John is never there, always in the ale house drunk (mind you so was Willie). She was lucky with Willie, he treated her well. He loved her in his own she was sure of that, and she was just glad to have someone who never hit her. Not like John, who was always hitting Lizzie. Of course she never said anything to Lizzie, and Lizzie never said. But the walls are thin and nothing goes unnoticed not in these houses.
The little one was starting to stir, she could hear her. She went to pick her up, and she felt a pang of jealousy. She was very cute and how she wished that she was hers. Oh, what she could do with this child and how much love she could give her. But of course that would never happen, Willie would leave her. Anyway no point in crying over spilt milk, what has happened has happened just get on with it, no point in feeling sorry for myself. But she did look so cute. She picked her up and gave her a cuddle. Her lips were going she must be hungry again. No point in waking Lizzie she's tired. I could just put her on the breast for comfort, and pretend I'm feeding her. She sat down and without another thought gave her nipple to the young child. It took a few attempts but she managed in the end to get the nipple into the mouth. It felt strange at first, but very nice. This must be what it's like to feed. She had watched Lizzie so many times do it she felt an expert at it. After a while the little one fell asleep and so she put her back in the cradle. She would be special she could almost be hers now she had fed her. She could pretend that she was hers and that Lizzie was just looking after her, as Willie was so against kids. Yes that's what she would do she would pretend and then she would also be helping her friend Lizzie out.
Not long afterwards Lizzie woke up, and she found Joyce in the kitchen, smiling away.
"What are you so dam happy about, you're in my kitchen, and it never makes me smile".
"just thinking how funny life is sometimes, and that we should be thankful for what we have"
"crickey mate, have you been hit on the head or something, you're sounding a bit crazy there. As far as I can see there is nothing funny about life at all, if anything it stinks".
"no I'm just glad to be here right now, cooking tea for your lot and looking after your little one. Talking of which have you thought on a name yet?"
"you must be joking, the boys got named by their father who would come home and take one look at them and name them. Depending on how drunk he was at the time depended on what names they got. So far they have been quite lucky with names of John, Ed, Al and Mick. All times he was able to stand so they done well. This will shock him and he won't have a name".
"well while you were sleeping I was wondering about Cassie? If you say it quickly it sounds like you are saying he, and I thought that would keep both of you happy as you don't want a girl"
"No skin off my nose call her what ever you like. John will be so drunk he'll think he thought of the name himself."
"great that's that then, your daughter now has a name and she's only a few hours old, that has got to be a record for naming a child".
"whatever"
Then all of a sudden the peacefulness of the house was shattered by the door banging open and her sister coming in with the boys. Bugger, she was hoping that her sister would keep them for the night, but no such luck. Looking at her she did look a bit tired and bedraggled. I'm sure the boys were up to no good they never were. Well welcome to my world sis.
"so another boy then to make five?"
"nope"
"what you didn't have a boy?"
"nope"
"well that means you must have had a girl?"
"yep"
"crickey, what are you going to tell John?"
"that if he didn't want sex all the time this would never had happened"
"you can't say that"
"why not, that's the truth"
"because you know you'll only make him mad"
"right at this minute I don't bloody care. It's his fault I got pregnant. Maybe I'll chop it off when he's asleep and then I'll never get pregnant. In fact I'll never have to have sex again". (a wicked smirk suddenly came across her face)
"you don't mean that"
"maybe I do and maybe I don't, but at this time I don't care either way. I'm a few hours out of having given birth to a girl. I've got the boys back here, marvellous. I'm tired and John will be home soon wanting his tea and no doubt if he's not too drunk sex again. And you wonder why I say the things I do and why I don't care sometimes. Then why don't you swap places with me and find out what it's really like".
"I can see you're tired so I'll leave you. By the way John and Ed hit the boy next door and so there father is coming around to speak to you".
"great, perfect ending to a perfect day!"
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